31 weeks....on the lighter side.

Feeling good tonight, wishing I could go for a long run in the rain but thankful for the reasons that I can't. So instead I am listening to some of my tunes from teaching classes, man listening to them makes me realize how much I love it and miss it. So so worth it though. But let me tell you nothing is funnier than thinking I am pretty cool and then catching my reflection in the window listening to my ipod with my maternity housecoat on doing the step touch with an upper cut, being 31 weeks with twins. Yeah, thats for my eyes only.
31 weeks baby, can hardly believe it. Feel like I could drink the ocean, but my appetite seems to be subisidng (finally!). Had a couple days of back pain over the weekend but so far it has been pretty smooth sailing the last 10 weeks or so. I even think I found a new stretch mark, which I never never thought was possible. (though I ca't see past my bely button:) ) Cody gave me all the stretch marks one woman could possibly have from her neck to her legs,  or so I thought. Another mark of valour I suppose. lol! I really cannot complain, no swelling so far, weight gain is sitting around the 30 pound mark, and every ultasound I go to the doctor tells me I am doing above average for this type of pregnancy. Praise God!

The girls room is coming together, painted, new light, crib is set up, rocking chair recovered and painted, sewing done, some some stuff on the walls..and did I mention a closet full of clothes already?(I haven't bought a thing of it myself) GIRLS! And so it begins, this journey. I have NOOOO idea what I'm in for and reading all the books and blogs I can will probably be in no way making me better equipped for this. But I feel like I have my boxing gloves on and I am ready for this challenge, I love challenges..if they don't knock me over, so we will see. I am determined to make it, to ask for help, to ACCEPT help and to suck it up, keep calm and carry on when I need to. I am thinking Darryl being at depot was like training for this time that's coming in my life. Hopefully it made me more prepared for what is to come. I am sure I am going to read this in 3 months and laugh, who knows right?

So just gotta get through this Christmas season and we will be pretty close to the BIG day, not sure when but really hoping to make it till at lest 36 weeks. Been cleared for a regular birth which I am happy about since 50% of twins are born via c-section and I have had 2 vbacs and much prefer a regular birth. Wasn't sure since baby B is still breech but as long as baby A stays head down we are good to go. If it changes then it changes, I am going to do what is best for a healthy outcome for these two either way.
I love Christmas and time is just flying by so I am trying to enjoy it as much as possible. The quiet, I mean. Thankful for my mother who helped me sew all my crib covers and chair coverings today, it turned out great and went pretty fast since she has a surger. I did a few things, but mostly she can sew faster and better than I can so I just helped her with the prep and ironing and so on. Oh and did I mention my husbands been amazing? Making me sit down and put my feet up all the time (it's a little overkill sometimes but I'm taking it), vacuuming, taking care of the boys etc etc. So blessed to have him, even if it's only every 4 out of 8 days he is 100% here and in charge on those 4 off. (if he isn't doing floors or OT). Ok enough, just thankful to God for all HIS blessings to me, I truly feel so so undeserving!!!!!!!!!!

Musings.

"Who am I, O Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? 2 Samuel 7:18

Feeling so underserving of all the blessings in my life over the past while. Continue to be blessed by others around me and I don't get it, why me? Why? Don't I know God is good? I really like to believe I have control of my life and I can figure out how do everything by myself without help. But looking back, none of the blessings in my life have come from anything I've done, and sometimes my pride has a hard time swallowing that pill.  Just read this on my morning devotion calendar and it is so so true.

"In an endless cycle of grace, He gives us gifts to serve in the world. This is how to make life great and eucharisteo (I know what that means thanks to Beth Moore:)) embarks us on the path. 'Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave'. Matthew 20:27'".

I want to wake up everyday with the attitude of "Lord whose slave am I going to be today?" Yeah right..If only I was that selfless, yet I know there is such reward in that service. Maybe not short term gain today or tomorrow or even in this life, I have had small tastes of being used as an instrument for God and it is amazing. But I still chase the selfless things of this world to provide that short term false sense of happiness and then lets me down in the long term. (stuff, respect, looks, even family, etc). In Joshua is says "choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve". CHOOSE! Nothing can satisfy us except to be used by God and serve Him. We battle many things in life but it's the ones that seem most innocent that Satan tries to win us over with. It's not the obvious things sometimes that are our greatest downfall. To not be obsessed with self, to not serve the one and only me, that is my ultimate battle. Am I going to serve God or man? What an awesome God I have that I am able to serve Him, now to use the ability!

What is grace?

"The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures"

 

What is grace really? We talk about it, think about it, even feel it, but what does it look like? I remember now years ago in catechism class our Pastor telling us that the amount of grace we recieve each day from God could never be measured. I didn't totally understand what he meant then, but I never forgot it. There are times in life when one has so much emotion that it can't be accurately described into words. This is one of those times in my life. As I sip my my morning tea alone in the quiet hours, and stare at the Christmas tree pondering, I realize that God's grace is  just too big too comprehend. Couldn't sleep this morning as I feel not one but two babies lives inside me trying to understand life, death, sin, grace, love, hatred and why God has put me here. His one and only Son was sent to hang and a cross, suffer and die for me. Whoa. I now know I can never and will never quite be able to grasp this love he has for me in this lifetime or how huge his gift of mercy, grace and His Son is to me. I can read it on paper, believe it my heart, and even feel His love daily in my life, but as a sinner on this earth, I will never know HIS fullness until my entrance into eternity with Him. This scripture passage speaks so much more clearly to me as I get older:

 

Ephesians 3:

¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 

 

Wow, I truly think to be filled to the this measure, to the fullness of God would be more than anything one could describe. As Beth Moore puts it "oh the possibilities to work for God if we were willing to be filled to the fullest measure of the Holy Spirit everyday".

Unfortunately we live in a sinful world, and will never achieve perfection in this life. Oh how I try to, and how I fail everyday and end up dissappointed once again only to to go to God and know this:

 

 



 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 Romans 8

 

Despite of who I am. That's grace!

 

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed