Feeling good tonight, wishing I could go for a long run in the rain but thankful for the reasons that I can't. So instead I am listening to some of my tunes from teaching classes, man listening to them makes me realize how much I love it and miss it. So so worth it though. But let me tell you nothing is funnier than thinking I am pretty cool and then catching my reflection in the window listening to my ipod with my maternity housecoat on doing the step touch with an upper cut, being 31 weeks with twins. Yeah, thats for my eyes only.
31 weeks baby, can hardly believe it. Feel like I could drink the ocean, but my appetite seems to be subisidng (finally!). Had a couple days of back pain over the weekend but so far it has been pretty smooth sailing the last 10 weeks or so. I even think I found a new stretch mark, which I never never thought was possible. (though I ca't see past my bely button:) ) Cody gave me all the stretch marks one woman could possibly have from her neck to her legs, or so I thought. Another mark of valour I suppose. lol! I really cannot complain, no swelling so far, weight gain is sitting around the 30 pound mark, and every ultasound I go to the doctor tells me I am doing above average for this type of pregnancy. Praise God!
The girls room is coming together, painted, new light, crib is set up, rocking chair recovered and painted, sewing done, some some stuff on the walls..and did I mention a closet full of clothes already?(I haven't bought a thing of it myself) GIRLS! And so it begins, this journey. I have NOOOO idea what I'm in for and reading all the books and blogs I can will probably be in no way making me better equipped for this. But I feel like I have my boxing gloves on and I am ready for this challenge, I love challenges..if they don't knock me over, so we will see. I am determined to make it, to ask for help, to ACCEPT help and to suck it up, keep calm and carry on when I need to. I am thinking Darryl being at depot was like training for this time that's coming in my life. Hopefully it made me more prepared for what is to come. I am sure I am going to read this in 3 months and laugh, who knows right?
So just gotta get through this Christmas season and we will be pretty close to the BIG day, not sure when but really hoping to make it till at lest 36 weeks. Been cleared for a regular birth which I am happy about since 50% of twins are born via c-section and I have had 2 vbacs and much prefer a regular birth. Wasn't sure since baby B is still breech but as long as baby A stays head down we are good to go. If it changes then it changes, I am going to do what is best for a healthy outcome for these two either way.
I love Christmas and time is just flying by so I am trying to enjoy it as much as possible. The quiet, I mean. Thankful for my mother who helped me sew all my crib covers and chair coverings today, it turned out great and went pretty fast since she has a surger. I did a few things, but mostly she can sew faster and better than I can so I just helped her with the prep and ironing and so on. Oh and did I mention my husbands been amazing? Making me sit down and put my feet up all the time (it's a little overkill sometimes but I'm taking it), vacuuming, taking care of the boys etc etc. So blessed to have him, even if it's only every 4 out of 8 days he is 100% here and in charge on those 4 off. (if he isn't doing floors or OT). Ok enough, just thankful to God for all HIS blessings to me, I truly feel so so undeserving!!!!!!!!!!
!
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Musings.
"Who am I, O Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? 2 Samuel 7:18
Feeling so underserving of all the blessings in my life over the past while. Continue to be blessed by others around me and I don't get it, why me? Why? Don't I know God is good? I really like to believe I have control of my life and I can figure out how do everything by myself without help. But looking back, none of the blessings in my life have come from anything I've done, and sometimes my pride has a hard time swallowing that pill. Just read this on my morning devotion calendar and it is so so true.
"In an endless cycle of grace, He gives us gifts to serve in the world. This is how to make life great and eucharisteo (I know what that means thanks to Beth Moore:)) embarks us on the path. 'Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave'. Matthew 20:27'".
I want to wake up everyday with the attitude of "Lord whose slave am I going to be today?" Yeah right..If only I was that selfless, yet I know there is such reward in that service. Maybe not short term gain today or tomorrow or even in this life, I have had small tastes of being used as an instrument for God and it is amazing. But I still chase the selfless things of this world to provide that short term false sense of happiness and then lets me down in the long term. (stuff, respect, looks, even family, etc). In Joshua is says "choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve". CHOOSE! Nothing can satisfy us except to be used by God and serve Him. We battle many things in life but it's the ones that seem most innocent that Satan tries to win us over with. It's not the obvious things sometimes that are our greatest downfall. To not be obsessed with self, to not serve the one and only me, that is my ultimate battle. Am I going to serve God or man? What an awesome God I have that I am able to serve Him, now to use the ability!
Feeling so underserving of all the blessings in my life over the past while. Continue to be blessed by others around me and I don't get it, why me? Why? Don't I know God is good? I really like to believe I have control of my life and I can figure out how do everything by myself without help. But looking back, none of the blessings in my life have come from anything I've done, and sometimes my pride has a hard time swallowing that pill. Just read this on my morning devotion calendar and it is so so true.
"In an endless cycle of grace, He gives us gifts to serve in the world. This is how to make life great and eucharisteo (I know what that means thanks to Beth Moore:)) embarks us on the path. 'Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave'. Matthew 20:27'".
I want to wake up everyday with the attitude of "Lord whose slave am I going to be today?" Yeah right..If only I was that selfless, yet I know there is such reward in that service. Maybe not short term gain today or tomorrow or even in this life, I have had small tastes of being used as an instrument for God and it is amazing. But I still chase the selfless things of this world to provide that short term false sense of happiness and then lets me down in the long term. (stuff, respect, looks, even family, etc). In Joshua is says "choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve". CHOOSE! Nothing can satisfy us except to be used by God and serve Him. We battle many things in life but it's the ones that seem most innocent that Satan tries to win us over with. It's not the obvious things sometimes that are our greatest downfall. To not be obsessed with self, to not serve the one and only me, that is my ultimate battle. Am I going to serve God or man? What an awesome God I have that I am able to serve Him, now to use the ability!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
What is grace?
"The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures"
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures"
What is grace really? We talk about it, think about it, even feel it, but what does it look like? I remember now years ago in catechism class our Pastor telling us that the amount of grace we recieve each day from God could never be measured. I didn't totally understand what he meant then, but I never forgot it. There are times in life when one has so much emotion that it can't be accurately described into words. This is one of those times in my life. As I sip my my morning tea alone in the quiet hours, and stare at the Christmas tree pondering, I realize that God's grace is just too big too comprehend. Couldn't sleep this morning as I feel not one but two babies lives inside me trying to understand life, death, sin, grace, love, hatred and why God has put me here. His one and only Son was sent to hang and a cross, suffer and die for me. Whoa. I now know I can never and will never quite be able to grasp this love he has for me in this lifetime or how huge his gift of mercy, grace and His Son is to me. I can read it on paper, believe it my heart, and even feel His love daily in my life, but as a sinner on this earth, I will never know HIS fullness until my entrance into eternity with Him. This scripture passage speaks so much more clearly to me as I get older:
Ephesians 3:
14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Wow, I truly think to be filled to the this measure, to the fullness of God would be more than anything one could describe. As Beth Moore puts it "oh the possibilities to work for God if we were willing to be filled to the fullest measure of the Holy Spirit everyday".
Unfortunately we live in a sinful world, and will never achieve perfection in this life. Oh how I try to, and how I fail everyday and end up dissappointed once again only to to go to God and know this:
Unfortunately we live in a sinful world, and will never achieve perfection in this life. Oh how I try to, and how I fail everyday and end up dissappointed once again only to to go to God and know this:
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8
Despite of who I am. That's grace!
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Praise You in this Storm
"Sorrow is one of the things that are lent, not given;
A thing that is lent may be taken away:
a thing that is given is not taken away.
Joy is given;
sorrow is lent.
We are not our own,
we are bought with a price...
(Our sorrow) is lent us for just a little while
that we may use it for eternal purposes.
Then it will be taken away
and everlasting joy will be
our Father's gift to us,
and the LORD will wipe away
all the tears from off all our faces.
-Amy Carmichael
SO, it's been a long time that I've blogged. Writing for me comes at the most emotional times of my life, so I know when I am going through the highs and lows of life, because I want to write again. Reading my last blog post was interesting. Some things seemed ironic and some almost a picture of what lies ahead. I always wonder(ed) what I will have to lose on this earth to gain more in Christ and realize He is my reason and recently I have had to go through loss and it hasn't been easy.
2 weeks ago today, I went to my ultrasound at 13 weeks pregnant only to hear the words "no heartbeat". My first emotions were disappointment, and although that might sound unemotional, I think I was just in a bit of shock. Reflecting, I can see God was preparing me for this as I had some concerns about this pregnancy and I requested an early ultrasound, something I never did with the boys. I could get no details of the ultrasound, that had to be given to me by my doctor and so I drove home.
Thankfully, my husband was home, cooking himself some bacon and eggs at 3 pm, as he had just woken up from sleeping off a night shift. Our oldest son was at the neighbours, our second son was at my sisters, and our youngest was home. He was too young to understand, but I knew our oldest would be crushed. He loves babies and holds them every chance he gets. He was the most excited out of anyone for this baby, for the chance to have another sibling. So, we called him home from next door and he came beaming into the house asking "Mom, do you have the pictures of the baby?". ouch. "no, no I don't." "Why not, where are they?" Not the easiest thing I have had to do in my life, tell a 7 year old about death. He was upset, ran to his room crying. Darryl went to talk to him, Cody blamed himself. We assured him that it was not anything he or I did, but it was a part of life....death.
Thinking..isn't it just like our human nature to think it's our fault? Because we want to believe so badly the good things we have in our life we have earned or deserve, so it must mean the bad things that happen are because of something we did. GRACE. As an adult you can teach it, you can feel it but I already feel for my son because understanding it is so much more of a process, a long one..sometimes not an easy one..a lifelong process really.
Over the next few days and weeks things were tougher than I had imagined they would be. It's not the quick little procedure one might think it is. Surgery, recovery and then going through the 'baby blues' as over the next weeks all the pregnancy hormones left my body. I think one of the toughest moments to be honest was yesterday morning, walking into school and opening the front door and embracing the life I had 'before' without the baby inside. It's a very empty feeling, but I am told that it will pass. People don't know what to say and so everything familiar to me is now awkward again, but I get that. I see spring coming and the buds coming out and I'm sad that what was going to be new life in me is now not. I think about having a precious little baby in the fall weather and pushing a stroller around again...instead it won't be. Small things that I would have never guessed would bother me do. All I ate for lunch for the past 3 months was the Tim Horton's chicken salad wrap, now it makes me naucsious. The other day D and I were in Toys r us shopping for a gift for Cody's birthday whenon the loud speaker comes "Are you expecting?"...I look at him..nope. These are the difficult things that I know will process over time and trhat I just have to get through. THat GOD will get me through.Although there will be struggle there is so much good to come out of this too.
This process has helped me in so many ways, especially to know what to do when others are suffering or struggling. I know the answer is NOT to do nothing and I also know I am guilty of doing NOTHING to others who were in the past. I want to find some purpose in all this and so far, that is one lesson I will not soon forget.
Thankfully, I have never yet had this much grief that I can remember in my life. I didn't expect it, at all. But I saw God weaving his remarkable hand through all the little things that happened. Prayers, meals, flowers, and phone calls were ways that God was showing me I was loved. Mostly I was stunned. Stunned at the blessing of others, stunned at God's wisdom and once again stunned that I still somehow wished I was in control. Reading my last blog would make one think I was ready to hand all control over to God after having to had to do it so many times before. That my life lesson of total submission was accomplished...haha. I am beginning to realize how what I think I have learned and what He has taught me will be easier to apply in life, and yet, still I stumble.
When I was in elementary school, I think it was grade 4 or 5, I specifically remember learning the story about the Israelites leaving Egypt and walking in the desert for fourty years. Our teacher was quite the story teller, and so over the course of several months we heard this long, detailed, drawn out story about how they kept forgetting about God and making the same mistakes over and over. For years afterwards, I remember thinking about how dumb they were. Here God was
giving them miracles like manna and quail before they're very own eyes and what seemed like the next day, they forget and they're whining and complaining and serving other gods. Now that I am an adult and realizing that old mistakes are new again, I am astounded at my life and how I can be that Israelite. Just when I think I have overcome some sin or obstacle, pride creeps in and I'm fourty steps back again. I guess this life is our desert, in some respect. God is making me take the long route to eternity, but it's the best and only way a sinner like me will see the beauty in it.
Because I am so afraid of pride, (and I have had so much of it) I pray a lot for God to rid me of it, and He answered. I feel more humbled now than ever and I am thankful for it. The higher we climb, the harder we fall right?
God is seeing us through this and He is faithful to His promises. My husband has told me to take it one day at a time, so that is what I am doing. I can't understand the ways of God and for one of the first times in my life, I DON'T have all the answers, or any for that matter. And for that, I am also thankful. I am so glad He has them all. What a tragedy this would really be if we didn't believe in a God who saves us, loves us and has a perfect and better plan for our life than we could ever have. If I had to chalk this whole miscarriage up to a freak accident, I think I would have had a much longer grief period filled with anger and bitterness. I have a feeling that the older I get, and the more I get to know my Saviour, the less answers I'm gonna have, but the more I will believe His and trust His promises.
I just want to say thank you to all the wonderful mothers out there who had a miscarriage(s) and contacted me and showed me support through words of encouragement and prayers. I really believe it is only something you can 'get' if you've been there.
SOOOO..I have absolutely no idea what God's plans are for me and I am glad. (and I'm REALLY praying for the Spirit to keep me from speculating plans but instead by reading HIS word and through prayer). Giving it ALL up to God is easier said than done, and when I think I'm doing just that, God shows me HE IS GOD. I know for sure one thing and that HIS plans are for my GOOD. What better promise is that? I know for now that I have a husband that loves and respects me, 3 beautiful healthy children, a mother and a sister that will come to my aid at the drop of a hat, and a loving wonderful communion of saints. The only truth that will stand in this life is that God is good, that He loves me and sent His 1 and only Son to die for ME! Blessed be HIS name!
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
A thing that is lent may be taken away:
a thing that is given is not taken away.
Joy is given;
sorrow is lent.
We are not our own,
we are bought with a price...
(Our sorrow) is lent us for just a little while
that we may use it for eternal purposes.
Then it will be taken away
and everlasting joy will be
our Father's gift to us,
and the LORD will wipe away
all the tears from off all our faces.
-Amy Carmichael
SO, it's been a long time that I've blogged. Writing for me comes at the most emotional times of my life, so I know when I am going through the highs and lows of life, because I want to write again. Reading my last blog post was interesting. Some things seemed ironic and some almost a picture of what lies ahead. I always wonder(ed) what I will have to lose on this earth to gain more in Christ and realize He is my reason and recently I have had to go through loss and it hasn't been easy.
2 weeks ago today, I went to my ultrasound at 13 weeks pregnant only to hear the words "no heartbeat". My first emotions were disappointment, and although that might sound unemotional, I think I was just in a bit of shock. Reflecting, I can see God was preparing me for this as I had some concerns about this pregnancy and I requested an early ultrasound, something I never did with the boys. I could get no details of the ultrasound, that had to be given to me by my doctor and so I drove home.
Thankfully, my husband was home, cooking himself some bacon and eggs at 3 pm, as he had just woken up from sleeping off a night shift. Our oldest son was at the neighbours, our second son was at my sisters, and our youngest was home. He was too young to understand, but I knew our oldest would be crushed. He loves babies and holds them every chance he gets. He was the most excited out of anyone for this baby, for the chance to have another sibling. So, we called him home from next door and he came beaming into the house asking "Mom, do you have the pictures of the baby?". ouch. "no, no I don't." "Why not, where are they?" Not the easiest thing I have had to do in my life, tell a 7 year old about death. He was upset, ran to his room crying. Darryl went to talk to him, Cody blamed himself. We assured him that it was not anything he or I did, but it was a part of life....death.
Thinking..isn't it just like our human nature to think it's our fault? Because we want to believe so badly the good things we have in our life we have earned or deserve, so it must mean the bad things that happen are because of something we did. GRACE. As an adult you can teach it, you can feel it but I already feel for my son because understanding it is so much more of a process, a long one..sometimes not an easy one..a lifelong process really.
Over the next few days and weeks things were tougher than I had imagined they would be. It's not the quick little procedure one might think it is. Surgery, recovery and then going through the 'baby blues' as over the next weeks all the pregnancy hormones left my body. I think one of the toughest moments to be honest was yesterday morning, walking into school and opening the front door and embracing the life I had 'before' without the baby inside. It's a very empty feeling, but I am told that it will pass. People don't know what to say and so everything familiar to me is now awkward again, but I get that. I see spring coming and the buds coming out and I'm sad that what was going to be new life in me is now not. I think about having a precious little baby in the fall weather and pushing a stroller around again...instead it won't be. Small things that I would have never guessed would bother me do. All I ate for lunch for the past 3 months was the Tim Horton's chicken salad wrap, now it makes me naucsious. The other day D and I were in Toys r us shopping for a gift for Cody's birthday whenon the loud speaker comes "Are you expecting?"...I look at him..nope. These are the difficult things that I know will process over time and trhat I just have to get through. THat GOD will get me through.Although there will be struggle there is so much good to come out of this too.
This process has helped me in so many ways, especially to know what to do when others are suffering or struggling. I know the answer is NOT to do nothing and I also know I am guilty of doing NOTHING to others who were in the past. I want to find some purpose in all this and so far, that is one lesson I will not soon forget.
Thankfully, I have never yet had this much grief that I can remember in my life. I didn't expect it, at all. But I saw God weaving his remarkable hand through all the little things that happened. Prayers, meals, flowers, and phone calls were ways that God was showing me I was loved. Mostly I was stunned. Stunned at the blessing of others, stunned at God's wisdom and once again stunned that I still somehow wished I was in control. Reading my last blog would make one think I was ready to hand all control over to God after having to had to do it so many times before. That my life lesson of total submission was accomplished...haha. I am beginning to realize how what I think I have learned and what He has taught me will be easier to apply in life, and yet, still I stumble.
When I was in elementary school, I think it was grade 4 or 5, I specifically remember learning the story about the Israelites leaving Egypt and walking in the desert for fourty years. Our teacher was quite the story teller, and so over the course of several months we heard this long, detailed, drawn out story about how they kept forgetting about God and making the same mistakes over and over. For years afterwards, I remember thinking about how dumb they were. Here God was
giving them miracles like manna and quail before they're very own eyes and what seemed like the next day, they forget and they're whining and complaining and serving other gods. Now that I am an adult and realizing that old mistakes are new again, I am astounded at my life and how I can be that Israelite. Just when I think I have overcome some sin or obstacle, pride creeps in and I'm fourty steps back again. I guess this life is our desert, in some respect. God is making me take the long route to eternity, but it's the best and only way a sinner like me will see the beauty in it.
Because I am so afraid of pride, (and I have had so much of it) I pray a lot for God to rid me of it, and He answered. I feel more humbled now than ever and I am thankful for it. The higher we climb, the harder we fall right?
God is seeing us through this and He is faithful to His promises. My husband has told me to take it one day at a time, so that is what I am doing. I can't understand the ways of God and for one of the first times in my life, I DON'T have all the answers, or any for that matter. And for that, I am also thankful. I am so glad He has them all. What a tragedy this would really be if we didn't believe in a God who saves us, loves us and has a perfect and better plan for our life than we could ever have. If I had to chalk this whole miscarriage up to a freak accident, I think I would have had a much longer grief period filled with anger and bitterness. I have a feeling that the older I get, and the more I get to know my Saviour, the less answers I'm gonna have, but the more I will believe His and trust His promises.
I just want to say thank you to all the wonderful mothers out there who had a miscarriage(s) and contacted me and showed me support through words of encouragement and prayers. I really believe it is only something you can 'get' if you've been there.
SOOOO..I have absolutely no idea what God's plans are for me and I am glad. (and I'm REALLY praying for the Spirit to keep me from speculating plans but instead by reading HIS word and through prayer). Giving it ALL up to God is easier said than done, and when I think I'm doing just that, God shows me HE IS GOD. I know for sure one thing and that HIS plans are for my GOOD. What better promise is that? I know for now that I have a husband that loves and respects me, 3 beautiful healthy children, a mother and a sister that will come to my aid at the drop of a hat, and a loving wonderful communion of saints. The only truth that will stand in this life is that God is good, that He loves me and sent His 1 and only Son to die for ME! Blessed be HIS name!
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
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