!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Praise You in this Storm
"Sorrow is one of the things that are lent, not given;
A thing that is lent may be taken away:
a thing that is given is not taken away.
Joy is given;
sorrow is lent.
We are not our own,
we are bought with a price...
(Our sorrow) is lent us for just a little while
that we may use it for eternal purposes.
Then it will be taken away
and everlasting joy will be
our Father's gift to us,
and the LORD will wipe away
all the tears from off all our faces.
-Amy Carmichael
SO, it's been a long time that I've blogged. Writing for me comes at the most emotional times of my life, so I know when I am going through the highs and lows of life, because I want to write again. Reading my last blog post was interesting. Some things seemed ironic and some almost a picture of what lies ahead. I always wonder(ed) what I will have to lose on this earth to gain more in Christ and realize He is my reason and recently I have had to go through loss and it hasn't been easy.
2 weeks ago today, I went to my ultrasound at 13 weeks pregnant only to hear the words "no heartbeat". My first emotions were disappointment, and although that might sound unemotional, I think I was just in a bit of shock. Reflecting, I can see God was preparing me for this as I had some concerns about this pregnancy and I requested an early ultrasound, something I never did with the boys. I could get no details of the ultrasound, that had to be given to me by my doctor and so I drove home.
Thankfully, my husband was home, cooking himself some bacon and eggs at 3 pm, as he had just woken up from sleeping off a night shift. Our oldest son was at the neighbours, our second son was at my sisters, and our youngest was home. He was too young to understand, but I knew our oldest would be crushed. He loves babies and holds them every chance he gets. He was the most excited out of anyone for this baby, for the chance to have another sibling. So, we called him home from next door and he came beaming into the house asking "Mom, do you have the pictures of the baby?". ouch. "no, no I don't." "Why not, where are they?" Not the easiest thing I have had to do in my life, tell a 7 year old about death. He was upset, ran to his room crying. Darryl went to talk to him, Cody blamed himself. We assured him that it was not anything he or I did, but it was a part of life....death.
Thinking..isn't it just like our human nature to think it's our fault? Because we want to believe so badly the good things we have in our life we have earned or deserve, so it must mean the bad things that happen are because of something we did. GRACE. As an adult you can teach it, you can feel it but I already feel for my son because understanding it is so much more of a process, a long one..sometimes not an easy one..a lifelong process really.
Over the next few days and weeks things were tougher than I had imagined they would be. It's not the quick little procedure one might think it is. Surgery, recovery and then going through the 'baby blues' as over the next weeks all the pregnancy hormones left my body. I think one of the toughest moments to be honest was yesterday morning, walking into school and opening the front door and embracing the life I had 'before' without the baby inside. It's a very empty feeling, but I am told that it will pass. People don't know what to say and so everything familiar to me is now awkward again, but I get that. I see spring coming and the buds coming out and I'm sad that what was going to be new life in me is now not. I think about having a precious little baby in the fall weather and pushing a stroller around again...instead it won't be. Small things that I would have never guessed would bother me do. All I ate for lunch for the past 3 months was the Tim Horton's chicken salad wrap, now it makes me naucsious. The other day D and I were in Toys r us shopping for a gift for Cody's birthday whenon the loud speaker comes "Are you expecting?"...I look at him..nope. These are the difficult things that I know will process over time and trhat I just have to get through. THat GOD will get me through.Although there will be struggle there is so much good to come out of this too.
This process has helped me in so many ways, especially to know what to do when others are suffering or struggling. I know the answer is NOT to do nothing and I also know I am guilty of doing NOTHING to others who were in the past. I want to find some purpose in all this and so far, that is one lesson I will not soon forget.
Thankfully, I have never yet had this much grief that I can remember in my life. I didn't expect it, at all. But I saw God weaving his remarkable hand through all the little things that happened. Prayers, meals, flowers, and phone calls were ways that God was showing me I was loved. Mostly I was stunned. Stunned at the blessing of others, stunned at God's wisdom and once again stunned that I still somehow wished I was in control. Reading my last blog would make one think I was ready to hand all control over to God after having to had to do it so many times before. That my life lesson of total submission was accomplished...haha. I am beginning to realize how what I think I have learned and what He has taught me will be easier to apply in life, and yet, still I stumble.
When I was in elementary school, I think it was grade 4 or 5, I specifically remember learning the story about the Israelites leaving Egypt and walking in the desert for fourty years. Our teacher was quite the story teller, and so over the course of several months we heard this long, detailed, drawn out story about how they kept forgetting about God and making the same mistakes over and over. For years afterwards, I remember thinking about how dumb they were. Here God was
giving them miracles like manna and quail before they're very own eyes and what seemed like the next day, they forget and they're whining and complaining and serving other gods. Now that I am an adult and realizing that old mistakes are new again, I am astounded at my life and how I can be that Israelite. Just when I think I have overcome some sin or obstacle, pride creeps in and I'm fourty steps back again. I guess this life is our desert, in some respect. God is making me take the long route to eternity, but it's the best and only way a sinner like me will see the beauty in it.
Because I am so afraid of pride, (and I have had so much of it) I pray a lot for God to rid me of it, and He answered. I feel more humbled now than ever and I am thankful for it. The higher we climb, the harder we fall right?
God is seeing us through this and He is faithful to His promises. My husband has told me to take it one day at a time, so that is what I am doing. I can't understand the ways of God and for one of the first times in my life, I DON'T have all the answers, or any for that matter. And for that, I am also thankful. I am so glad He has them all. What a tragedy this would really be if we didn't believe in a God who saves us, loves us and has a perfect and better plan for our life than we could ever have. If I had to chalk this whole miscarriage up to a freak accident, I think I would have had a much longer grief period filled with anger and bitterness. I have a feeling that the older I get, and the more I get to know my Saviour, the less answers I'm gonna have, but the more I will believe His and trust His promises.
I just want to say thank you to all the wonderful mothers out there who had a miscarriage(s) and contacted me and showed me support through words of encouragement and prayers. I really believe it is only something you can 'get' if you've been there.
SOOOO..I have absolutely no idea what God's plans are for me and I am glad. (and I'm REALLY praying for the Spirit to keep me from speculating plans but instead by reading HIS word and through prayer). Giving it ALL up to God is easier said than done, and when I think I'm doing just that, God shows me HE IS GOD. I know for sure one thing and that HIS plans are for my GOOD. What better promise is that? I know for now that I have a husband that loves and respects me, 3 beautiful healthy children, a mother and a sister that will come to my aid at the drop of a hat, and a loving wonderful communion of saints. The only truth that will stand in this life is that God is good, that He loves me and sent His 1 and only Son to die for ME! Blessed be HIS name!
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
A thing that is lent may be taken away:
a thing that is given is not taken away.
Joy is given;
sorrow is lent.
We are not our own,
we are bought with a price...
(Our sorrow) is lent us for just a little while
that we may use it for eternal purposes.
Then it will be taken away
and everlasting joy will be
our Father's gift to us,
and the LORD will wipe away
all the tears from off all our faces.
-Amy Carmichael
SO, it's been a long time that I've blogged. Writing for me comes at the most emotional times of my life, so I know when I am going through the highs and lows of life, because I want to write again. Reading my last blog post was interesting. Some things seemed ironic and some almost a picture of what lies ahead. I always wonder(ed) what I will have to lose on this earth to gain more in Christ and realize He is my reason and recently I have had to go through loss and it hasn't been easy.
2 weeks ago today, I went to my ultrasound at 13 weeks pregnant only to hear the words "no heartbeat". My first emotions were disappointment, and although that might sound unemotional, I think I was just in a bit of shock. Reflecting, I can see God was preparing me for this as I had some concerns about this pregnancy and I requested an early ultrasound, something I never did with the boys. I could get no details of the ultrasound, that had to be given to me by my doctor and so I drove home.
Thankfully, my husband was home, cooking himself some bacon and eggs at 3 pm, as he had just woken up from sleeping off a night shift. Our oldest son was at the neighbours, our second son was at my sisters, and our youngest was home. He was too young to understand, but I knew our oldest would be crushed. He loves babies and holds them every chance he gets. He was the most excited out of anyone for this baby, for the chance to have another sibling. So, we called him home from next door and he came beaming into the house asking "Mom, do you have the pictures of the baby?". ouch. "no, no I don't." "Why not, where are they?" Not the easiest thing I have had to do in my life, tell a 7 year old about death. He was upset, ran to his room crying. Darryl went to talk to him, Cody blamed himself. We assured him that it was not anything he or I did, but it was a part of life....death.
Thinking..isn't it just like our human nature to think it's our fault? Because we want to believe so badly the good things we have in our life we have earned or deserve, so it must mean the bad things that happen are because of something we did. GRACE. As an adult you can teach it, you can feel it but I already feel for my son because understanding it is so much more of a process, a long one..sometimes not an easy one..a lifelong process really.
Over the next few days and weeks things were tougher than I had imagined they would be. It's not the quick little procedure one might think it is. Surgery, recovery and then going through the 'baby blues' as over the next weeks all the pregnancy hormones left my body. I think one of the toughest moments to be honest was yesterday morning, walking into school and opening the front door and embracing the life I had 'before' without the baby inside. It's a very empty feeling, but I am told that it will pass. People don't know what to say and so everything familiar to me is now awkward again, but I get that. I see spring coming and the buds coming out and I'm sad that what was going to be new life in me is now not. I think about having a precious little baby in the fall weather and pushing a stroller around again...instead it won't be. Small things that I would have never guessed would bother me do. All I ate for lunch for the past 3 months was the Tim Horton's chicken salad wrap, now it makes me naucsious. The other day D and I were in Toys r us shopping for a gift for Cody's birthday whenon the loud speaker comes "Are you expecting?"...I look at him..nope. These are the difficult things that I know will process over time and trhat I just have to get through. THat GOD will get me through.Although there will be struggle there is so much good to come out of this too.
This process has helped me in so many ways, especially to know what to do when others are suffering or struggling. I know the answer is NOT to do nothing and I also know I am guilty of doing NOTHING to others who were in the past. I want to find some purpose in all this and so far, that is one lesson I will not soon forget.
Thankfully, I have never yet had this much grief that I can remember in my life. I didn't expect it, at all. But I saw God weaving his remarkable hand through all the little things that happened. Prayers, meals, flowers, and phone calls were ways that God was showing me I was loved. Mostly I was stunned. Stunned at the blessing of others, stunned at God's wisdom and once again stunned that I still somehow wished I was in control. Reading my last blog would make one think I was ready to hand all control over to God after having to had to do it so many times before. That my life lesson of total submission was accomplished...haha. I am beginning to realize how what I think I have learned and what He has taught me will be easier to apply in life, and yet, still I stumble.
When I was in elementary school, I think it was grade 4 or 5, I specifically remember learning the story about the Israelites leaving Egypt and walking in the desert for fourty years. Our teacher was quite the story teller, and so over the course of several months we heard this long, detailed, drawn out story about how they kept forgetting about God and making the same mistakes over and over. For years afterwards, I remember thinking about how dumb they were. Here God was
giving them miracles like manna and quail before they're very own eyes and what seemed like the next day, they forget and they're whining and complaining and serving other gods. Now that I am an adult and realizing that old mistakes are new again, I am astounded at my life and how I can be that Israelite. Just when I think I have overcome some sin or obstacle, pride creeps in and I'm fourty steps back again. I guess this life is our desert, in some respect. God is making me take the long route to eternity, but it's the best and only way a sinner like me will see the beauty in it.
Because I am so afraid of pride, (and I have had so much of it) I pray a lot for God to rid me of it, and He answered. I feel more humbled now than ever and I am thankful for it. The higher we climb, the harder we fall right?
God is seeing us through this and He is faithful to His promises. My husband has told me to take it one day at a time, so that is what I am doing. I can't understand the ways of God and for one of the first times in my life, I DON'T have all the answers, or any for that matter. And for that, I am also thankful. I am so glad He has them all. What a tragedy this would really be if we didn't believe in a God who saves us, loves us and has a perfect and better plan for our life than we could ever have. If I had to chalk this whole miscarriage up to a freak accident, I think I would have had a much longer grief period filled with anger and bitterness. I have a feeling that the older I get, and the more I get to know my Saviour, the less answers I'm gonna have, but the more I will believe His and trust His promises.
I just want to say thank you to all the wonderful mothers out there who had a miscarriage(s) and contacted me and showed me support through words of encouragement and prayers. I really believe it is only something you can 'get' if you've been there.
SOOOO..I have absolutely no idea what God's plans are for me and I am glad. (and I'm REALLY praying for the Spirit to keep me from speculating plans but instead by reading HIS word and through prayer). Giving it ALL up to God is easier said than done, and when I think I'm doing just that, God shows me HE IS GOD. I know for sure one thing and that HIS plans are for my GOOD. What better promise is that? I know for now that I have a husband that loves and respects me, 3 beautiful healthy children, a mother and a sister that will come to my aid at the drop of a hat, and a loving wonderful communion of saints. The only truth that will stand in this life is that God is good, that He loves me and sent His 1 and only Son to die for ME! Blessed be HIS name!
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
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