Fighting my Demons...

So after much persisting on my sister's part, and funding from her, I reluctantly signed up for the police run. I ran it 2 years ago, and I was 20 weeks pregnant with Jude. I did it in 30 minutes then, because I had been teaching 4-5 times a week regularly, and was in good shape. So that being said, I hadn't done barely a stitch of exercise all summer, and last week I decided to up and run a couple times and barely managed 29 minutes. So today on race day, after I ate a slice of leftover chocolate cake for breakfast, and with a half hearted attitude, I went to the race. My sister who is an avid runner and has been training for weeks, was running the 10km for a challenge for her 30th birthday next week. I, wanted to try and run the whole way and knew my limits, so I ran the 5k. We both finished in a great time and felt quite proud when it was all said and done, that us Mom's could get out there and give it our all.
I am not a runner at all, but have ran off and one for the last 4 years to try and get some cardiovascular endurance and to keep the pounds from packing on after the babies. You could say I was fighting my demons, and that is truly how I always feel about exercise because as a child and as a teen, I loathed exercise. My Dad used to take us on these hikes, when we went camping, and to this day I don't how he put up with me. I was always dead last, whining the whole time and annoying as all get out. In gym class in high school, I was the girl who would be dead last on any run no matter how short, trying to take the shortcuts or not going at all and pretending I did. I actually failed P.E. in grade 11 and I remember when I took my report card home, my Mom asked "Who fails P.E.?" Most people now don't know this about me and now if I sometimes bump into old classmates from high school, they give me a double take when I tell them I am a Fitness Instructor and a P.E. teacher. One guy even started laughing, and said "Leanne, you, are a WHAT?..the same Leanne I went to high school with?". Yes it is true, I never had the opportunity to join any sports activities before high school, so by the time I got there, I was bad at sports, never made any of the teams and so in my anger I rebelled...I guess. And I was lazy, I hated running, hated any form of physical discipline and so I was not known for being physically active in the least.

So today, was another day I fought off the old nature and brought on the new...and I still don't LOVE running. But I do love the feeling of sweat, hard work, a changed attitude, growth, respect, and another day that I can say "I tried my best". Again, I don't know where I would be without my sister, who always lovingly encourages, supports and loves me, especially when I am down in the dumps, and my self-esteem isn't at its best. We have such different strengths and weaknesses and we have been able to support each other at different times and in different ways in our lives. It as a beautiful thing to see how God created us so different, yet so complimentary, obviously by HIS design...and for a reason. So, once I again I will PRAISE THE LORD for his Grace...and take my 26 minute run with a proud smile, knowing it is all by Grace.

Hello darkness...my old friend

Listening to some Simon & Garfunkel on this dark quiet evening. I love the feelings i get listening to their voices...it brings me goosebumps as I remember sitting on the textured arm chair in our old house, listening to the record. Music has always played a big part in my life, songs that I listen to will bring back memories, feelings, and even smells. Music has inspired me to a lot of things in my life, to forget a lot of things and it got me through a lot of things. I think it really soothes my soul and I am thankful for the gift of music that God blesses us with. I felt somewhat burnt out today, I think due to some dehydration, (too much coffee), I have been forgetting to take my iron, and trying to train a bit for this police run on Saturday....I have lacked the ambition to do any exercise since I quit my classes. That being said, I have thoroughly enjoyed the time I have managed to get away for a run and liked the sweat dripping down my face...feels good. I do miss Darryl tonight, his loving, encouraging things he would always say to me to motivate me. The way he would put the boys to bed in the evening, I am afraid I fall short of his enthusiasm by the time 7:15 rolls around. Still, I feel blessed to be experiencing these feelings, it has brought me so much enrichment.
Darryl passed his practical exam yesterday and we were both thankful, since not everyone did. His weeks seem to be getting busier, and so he can only manage to squeeze a few minutes with the boys each night on the phone. But it is really all they need and about the amount of time their attention span has for the phone, so it works out nicely.
I didn't make it to Bible Study this evening, and considering it was the kick off evening, I am hoping to make the next one. I had planned to put the boys down at Nellie's since the study was there, but I had neither the energy nor the will. It was nice to sit and relax, and have a hot cup of tea..and think too much. 23 more days...

Today...

I Love my children...they are truly a gift...a blessing and though the gifts are sleeping, I am enjoying some quiet time. Talked to Darryl today for a while, and he seems to be doing very well, his parents came and visited him this weekend. He got to play the bass drum today for the annual memorial parade for fallen RCMP, he had been practicing on the snare drum but they needed as many cadets as they could get and bass drum is easier to play and not mess up. (he has never had drum lessons in his life before this). He said it went fairly well and it was a neat experiance for him. We skyped today for an hour and reconnected a bit. As I am about to continue this entry on this Sunday evening, my youngest  has just woken up crying, so it looks as though this is all I will have time to post....for today.

Day 33..and...God is so Great...

So I was reminded today that I actually started a blog and forgot about it. Seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life these days.I am sort of an all or nothing person, and I get all gung hoe about things and sometimes do really well, for quite a while, and then completely change and forget about it. I am trying to stay away from that old side of me, but found it to be popping back into my life since Darryl's been away.Say La Vie...I have discovered much already since Darryl has been gone for the last 33 days and also learned a lot.
For one, I have somewhat of an easily accepting personality, and secondly, I don't know where I would be without my family and friends, and their prayers. It has been so busy that by the time I get home, I am relieved to have some peace and quiet, yet thankful that the days are busy. So far, the journey wasn't quite what I expected, I feel relaxed, it seems the kids have a adjusted and I am somewhat enjoying the quiet...sometimes. I have had a lot of time to reflect...which I like...on what our lives were before Darryl left...a bit of a revolving door, I admit...me chasing after somewhat selfish things, Darryl doing what he had to do to pump up his resume for all this....and now...the quiet...well, not SO quiet with the boys. So different, such a change of pace, I think for the most part I like change, when it is good.
Reflecting, I feel as though I didn't know my boys as well as I could have, or should have and didn't spend the quality time with them that I am able to now...and I am thanking God for this enlightenment and opportunity..it has been a blessing really, for both of us. Darryl said the day he got to 'depot' that he thought this might end up being a good thing for us, to realize what a blessing we had in each other, and so far, I am appreciating the Dad he was and is, and missing his presence here.The boys haven't been asking about when he is coming back at all. I attribute this to 2 things...prayer and the fact that Darryl really prepared them months in advance with little talks at bedtime and prayer with them about the long time that he will be away. I also made a huge chart for them with 177 days on it, and each night before bed they get to put an x on another day. I find this helps because the days he is coming home for a visit, I circled and so they have looked at that and acknowledged, that is when Dad is coming, but he will be going back. And they see how many squares are left and know, it's not anywhere near being finished. I never expected them to be doing so well, that being said, they are kids, and kids generally accept things easier than us adults.
And Me?
 In the beginning, I had the attitude that this 6 months was really all about finding the best ways to kill time till he gets back. But the other night,as I sat and folded laundry and watched 'hoarders', I realized I may look back on this time and really miss it. I really thought about what people say "Life is about the journey and not the destination" and I thought, yes this is so true. All the things I have experienced so far on this journey, I would not have, if D had never gone to depot. All the 'help' I get in the way of babysitting or a meal, makes me realize how much people care and how much love is out there. And me, hating being co-dependent on anyone, I am out of my comfort zone a bit with all of that, and I think that is good for me. I am learning to accept it when people want to show general concern/love and how to make myself a little more vulnerable to that. Yes...the journey is good, maybe not always, not in some moments...especially those ones when all 3 are screaming as I take them out of the bath because it is past their bedtime..and I am dressing the older 2 in their PJ's, while the youngest one poo's on the carpet, tries to eat it and then takes his walker and smooshes the wheel through it...but after when they are cute and all sleeping..and I have coffee...it's good.
I have been blessed by many people and especially by my sister...and this is what is changing and shaping me to be the person God is calling me to be. I have a lot to be thankful for...
Coupled with the amazing sermon we had on Sunday from pastor Dejong about contentment in any situation, I realized...if I am not content now...today at this very moment...husband or no husband, living in the valley or living miles away, I have not learned the secret to being content. And 'learned' is really the emphasized word there...it doesn't always come easy..but we all wake up in the morning and decide to make a choice...positive or negative, I think, the sooner we accept our life situation, the sooner we can deal with it and move on with what life presents us each day...and Praise God for his GRACE. The amount of grace we receive everyday is so great and so unfathomable...how can we not get up everyday ready to take it on, knowing God is doing it for us, thankful to be filled with the Spirit.
The next few weeks may be a lot different, so far, I have been busy taking the boys on little walks, day trips to Aldergrove lake and visiting. The month of August flew by, and now, school is here, which means darker evenings and more routine. I know some days will be easier than others, but I don't know what I would do or where I would be with God, Jesus and the Spirit... I know from the past I would be so lost without Him and His grace and mercy to me....somewhere on the East side with a needle in my arm....I am sure of it.
Well..it's getting late...the last of my caffeine has officially worn off, and I need the energy to get up early for 1 more weekday school morning till I can stay in bed Saturday morning till at least 8:00 while the boys watch some cartoons on my bed. Yep...the things I now look forward to have slightly changed..but it's all good. PRAISE GOD!