My eyes are open, yes, and my huge mug of coffee and prayer are what is going to get me through this day. today is a blog vent. so I am warning you, I am using this blog today as a crutch, since my hubby is not here. I know there are Mom's out there who are going to know exactly what it's like, cause having kids, is like kissing solid sleep good-bye...forever.
I got home last night after a crazy evening of dead batteries, aerobic class (first one since September) an intense Bible Study discussion about church matters close to my heart, and picking out paint colours online with my dear youngest sister for her new future home. Bedtime did not end up coming till 1 a.m. which was a huge mistake. On the plus side, all the boys were in their own bed so I was hoping for a sweet sleep, alone. Boy, was I wrong. By 2 a.m. I was still mumbling prayers, dozing in and out, thinking about the impending province pick this Friday amongst other things. I ordered a cake for Darryl's birthday which is today, and I am hoping it gets there and all works out. I am thinking about the class I taught, the discussion that evening over 2 cups of coffee and a bit of a racing pulse. I am hypocrite? I love most things about our church, but the worship style is hard to take, and I am studying about David dancing naked before God. Seems more my style, ok maybe not the naked part, or the dancing in a huge group part, but something. Time + conflict= change. That is what we learned about David's life and God's plan. What if there is no conflict? Then there will be no change? Can I live with that? So I am torn about what I even want. One thing is for sure, I want him back, whether it's here or somewhere else. I can see it on my kids that they are lacking in the parental attention and positive reinforcement. More guilt. 2:00 a.m., I hear a thonk, on the front porch and look out the blinds. Right, that globe and mail I got talked into taking for free, gets delivered at 2 a.m.. Thanks for that. then I hear more noises, yes, my oldest is up, going to the bathroom, then stumbles in my room to climb in. I am too tired at this point to resist and really don't mind the company.
Starting to fall asleep by 2:30...at 2:45 I hear more noises, Jude is awake. He starts to cry, I leave him for about 5 minutes, get up, get him, snuggle him on the rocking chair for a while, put him back. Cries again. Forget it, pick him up, bring him to my bed. We settle. It's 3 a.m., I have to get at least 4 hours to function. 3:15 a.m., more noises. Not the kind from the bedroom. Great, are the racoons back in the attic? Maybe it's my imagination. I look outside my blinds and see two teenagers standing in front of my house on the road...maybe that's the globe and mail people, I dunno. Lay back down. Hear a really loud crash against my house, okay something or someone just banged the front of my house. I look outside and see a girl teenager come from beside my house walking on my front lawn. Are they breaking in my van? What is going on? Ugh...I need to move. She joins the other teenagers on the road. I lay back down. It's 3:30..I try to go back to sleep. I am worried about tomorrow because I have killed my battery twice and what if it won't start when i try to jump it in the morning, I won't be able to go to work. Ok, I will go to Canadian Tire and get it replaced if it does start before school, with the boys. It's 3:45..more noises. This time, it's Jesse. Fine, come on in. No one is settled. This is my fault. If I were a better mother, i would make them all go back to bed, crying aside and have 1 bad night of everyone crying and be done with it. So I have myself to blame, it's my doing. I am not the good kind of mother...more praying about that.4:15 and Cody's getting annoyed with Jesse's feet. So I move Cody to the end of the bed...a few minutes later he says he is cold. i get up to put my housecoat on him. 4;30... Cody complains Jesse is kicking him. I am done with this whole thing. I get up, leave and go to Jesse's bed..Indeed at least 2 hours. 5:00 a.m., Jude is crying from my room, waking up the other 2. I quickly get him and bring him into Jesse's bed with me...we fall asleep around 5:15 but at 5:30 hear my phone going off that someone is messaging me. Right, it must be Darryl's troop mate that I texted last night about the cake surprise, ok I will check it later. Finally, fall asleep...I wake up at 7:30 in a panic and realize I only have 20 minutes to get Cody dressed, breakfast, make his lunch, pray and make it to the bus. Okay he makes it. My eyes are puffy...kids are wanting breakfast..I put the pot of coffee on, given them some breakfast..and outside to the van to try and jump it. NOTE TO SELF GO TO BED BEFORE 10 p.m.! Today I feel like I need to go back to school..Mom school. How to be a better mother. The kind that is making muffins at 6:45 a.m. with a smile, fully dressed, and ready to give it my all. I will work on that.
Okay that is my vent, my day goes on, hopefully I make it to Canadian tire...or my Mom will have to come here after her Bible Study to rescue me (she is the bomb!) and I will make it to work this afternoon. I do love my job..I love being a Mom more, but it is a nice break, it pays the tuition and it's fun. For now.....I am loving you Julie for my Starbucks mug, with my Komodo Dragon Blend...and for health, grace and God's greatest gift. His Son jesus Christ. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".
5 comments:
Awww!! Your sooo not alone!! Sounds like my nights.. Most every night! I never seem to get to bed until at least 11:30 as Brett usually calls at 11pm.. Ugh! I too tend to beat myself up about it.. And totally completely 100% depend on Gods grace and mercy every single morning!! Thankfully His mercy is new ever morning- and His steadfast love never ceases!! Ahhhhhh I am do amazed by Gods faithfulness! So refreshing to read your blog:) I feel your a kindred spirit! Happy birthday to you DH! Xo
Hey Leanne,
That is one rough night...and the last thing you need is a solid beat up from yourself! It seems like you're running on survival mode so it's understandable you don't feel like dealing with the crying, when all you'd like is peace and quiet! I really hope you have the opportunity to have a quiet day, maybe even a nap? Whatever it is you do today, don't let negative self talk be one of them. Super mom doesn't mean being Martha Stewart with muffins baked before 7 in the morning. Super mom means doing your best in the circumstances you're in. It means reading a book to your child instead of cleaning the toilet. It means making a cup of coffee and reading a few Bible verses instead of doing those dishes. They won't disintegrate, they'll patiently wait for you.
I hope the night you had last night won't come again soon. I'll pray for you today that He'll be your energy and patience and strength and wisdom. And I pray He'll bless you with a solid sleep tonight!
Thinking of you today,
Esther
I am praying that the rest of the week goes better for you Leanne! When you are feeling like that remember what's important: your kids know that they are loved, they are safe, healthy, and happy.
Good for you for always looking to the Father for strength and comfort.
Great Post Leanne. Thanks!
PS. Oh and Janessa thanks for the background, i love it. I love your blog too, we seem to have similar families, thoughts etc. I can't wait t get to know you better, who knows where we may end up. Esther and Esther...thanks for your words..lacking sleep makes me cry easily. Also thanks to one busy mother (you know who you are!) who just had a baby and made me some warm cookies and outstanding Martha Stewart muffins...I think you need to teach that Mom class I'd like to take. I'd pay. Love you all for your support, it makes me realize God's grace through others:)
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